Reflect on what triggers you
Recently a few things have changed in our family business. It’s really exciting, but also means that new systems needed to be put in place. These changes have taken up quite a bit of time – both physically and mentally, and without my realising it, it began to take a toll.
So yesterday I cooked a yummy veggie soup for dinner. It smelt divine and I was looking forward to sitting down with Andy and enjoying a meal together.
As I was making the soup, I thought about what was going on for Andy and set an intention that I wouldn’t suggest any ideas re the biz and I’d just enjoy our time together.
By the time we finally sat down to eat, it was about 8pm and I was starting to get quite hungry. Just as we settled in to start our meal, Andy’s phone rang, he picked it up and talked for about 5 minutes and then hung up. We began eating and then it rang again. Once again he picked it up and by this time I was HANGRY! (hungry and angry). I hopped up from the table, and went for a shower. I was stewing! I stood underneath the hot water while loads of thoughts raced through my mind… how rude, he can’t even give me 15 minutes damn him… I was having a right paddy!
I hopped out of the shower and came back into the lounge. Andy asked if I was OK and I sad no, and then went on to tell him exactly how I was feeling… “I’m disappointed, I cook dinner for you most nights and you can’t even give me 15 minutes. 15 minutes!” I then went on to say, “you know my love language is quality time, why can’t you just spend some time with me?”
Andy looked a little shocked.
I’m not surprised.
By then, tears were flowing down my face and my voice was raised. I told him I was going to bed.
I hopped into bed and thought about what I’d said and how I was feeling. I wrote in my journal and I began to get some clarity…
There were two different situations going on here.
- I hadn’t been asking for what I want. For example, when the phone rang, I could have simply said… could we leave the phones alone during our meal? When I first started noticing the disconnection, I could have offered a solution, like going on a date where we simply hang out? This would have been proactive. Instead, I ranted about how I cook dinners and I deserve… blah, blah, blah… you get the gist…
- Then there’s the internal work. What is Andy mirroring in me? Where am I not giving myself quality time? This situation was a direct reflection. For example, I go for a walk to give myself time and guess what I’m doing? I’m on my phone! I sit down to meditate, and prior to and then afterwards, I jump on my phone. I haven’t even given myself time reflect on what surfaced during my meditation.
Andy was reflecting my relationship with myself. I hadn’t given myself the quality time, which I’d so desperately wanted.
Once I have clarity about my lesson in the situation, the conversation I have with Andy about our relationship and quality time can be much cleaner.
If I hadn’t realized that I needed to give myself quality time, I would have most likely still blamed Andy for the way I was feeling. This sets up a continual cycle, where we’re disappointed in our partners, because they’re not meeting our expectations. The point is, it’s not their responsibility to meet our expectations. It’s our responsibility first and foremost. When we treat ourselves with love and respect, we show others how to treat us too.
When we meet our own needs, a few things transpire…
We become empowered
We feel better
We ask for what we want in a loving way, rather than while we’re having a tantrum
We set boundaries
We notice the good in our relationships
We feel more grateful
We become more loving to our partners and ultimately to ourselves.
We create happy, healthy, conscious relationships
We still forget at times yet we forgive ourselves
We experience a deeper more satisfying love
Next time someone is triggering you, ask yourself, ‘what is this reflecting in me? Give yourself what you need and then from this clean space, you’ll also be able to communicate clearly about the issue.